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Post by Summer on Nov 14, 2008 20:52:54 GMT -5
I have seen it written to hand your problems over to God and he will help you through them. How do you do that? Just say "Here ya go they are all yours?"
I have been struggling with my own lost this past year and a half (My Dad, Brother and Aunt)and now one of the most wonderful people I have had the pleasure to meet in my lifetime is going through a pain that only a parent can feel and I'm struggling in trying to cope with it all.
The tears fall, the memory of that horrible night seems like it was just yesterday and it will be a year next month. How do I hand this pain and hurt over to God? I feel that sometimes it is to overwhelming for me to shoulder alone.
The love and support of this forum has been a huge comfort. It's when I alone that my thoughts wonder and I have way to much time to think that I feel that I'm losing it.
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Post by husky on Nov 14, 2008 21:06:20 GMT -5
You aren't alone, Summer. I wish you and Barb (and anyone else in pain) weren't suffering, but if you have had faith in your life and are feeling challenged about it now, know that in this you are NOT alone. Your friends will walk with you for as long as it takes. Take care.
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Post by Barb on Nov 14, 2008 23:55:04 GMT -5
I don't know how I'm going to deal with this where Brian is concerned. Not saying I won't, just saying I need to figure it out.
I do know what helped when my mom was so ill and I talked to Summer about it tonight. I had to go to a spot that makes me feel spiritual and makes me feel God's presence. Many times it was the beach. I lived in Flagler then, and only a block from the beach, so I found myself there a lot.
Summer, where you are concerned, I would say find yourself a nice spot at the falls and sit there and talk to God AND Tommy. It's beautiful there.
My favorite thing is new places that I haven't been to yet. I used to love to go to Matanzas beach and park where the rocks are and just sit there. Even Bing's landing can be beautiful and of course, Washington Oaks park.
John has advised me to "give it to God" before and I think I understand what he was telling me. You can't just hand it over....you have to give it to Him in bits and pieces until He is holding some of our pain. And I don't think that happens until we are ready to hand it over. I need to learn that when the pain leaves, Brian will still be with me, but it terrifies me to do that. I feel like I've let go of all I can for the moment.
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Post by Goddess on Nov 15, 2008 1:14:16 GMT -5
What I have found is that God is with you and he gives you strength to deal with life after the events that have shaken your foundation. You both know as well as I do the only thing you want to do at first is just wrap yourself up where the pain can't get to you...ever. But look where you both are now. You've made it almost a year, Summer, and you Barb, it's been a bit over a month. The pain is incredible, but God and your friends and family, as well as the one's you've lost have all added to your strength, making each day happen.
One day, and this happens on everyone's own schedule, you are going to feel angry because you forgot to think about the one you've lost... and sometime after that, the happy memories which really are their essence will envelope you, and you will find yourself laughing thinking of a special or funny thing you shared. The pain doesn't go away. 18 years later and sometimes it hits me so hard, and tears spill out. But then, another memory takes over, and a sense of peace and a joy is there, because I was so blessed to have him in my life for as long as I did. Long enough? No. But long enough that I know he wouldn't want me to cry for the rest of my life. Neither of you are there yet, like I said, everyone travels it at their own pace.
I took a course in college, it was called "Death and Dying", and the book we used was called "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. If I can find that book I would gladly get one for both of you. I think it will help. I know it did me...it was before my brother, but after my dad, Grandma, Grandmother, my aunt and a very good friend. I had lost them all in a span of a couple of years...when I was in high school. I did not cope very well with those losses, and at that age, I give myself credit for going as long as I did without help. I did go to counseling, and that helped, but that class and that book helped as well.
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Post by Barb on Nov 15, 2008 1:21:40 GMT -5
I just ordered that book. I'm waiting for it to get here. I ordered it online, but they have it everywhere.
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Post by Goddess on Nov 15, 2008 1:25:06 GMT -5
It made an impression on me.
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Post by Barb on Nov 15, 2008 1:29:41 GMT -5
Shark recommended it to me.
I'm looking forward to reading it
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Post by Barb on Nov 15, 2008 10:37:20 GMT -5
oh gee thanks! I never thought of the light at the end of the tunnel being a train!
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Post by Summer on Nov 15, 2008 15:06:23 GMT -5
I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my face...
I take the tools I was taught in counseling and apply them everyday to get through it, some day's I slip and other days I actually get through it without a scratch.
I know that being so close to his anniversary and the holidays is bringing all up to the surface again. I had thought I had put my "anger" in place and not let it consume me every minute of every day, but it seems to be sneaking out bit by bit. I don't want to go back to that place.
I spoke to a very good friend this morning and I asked him the same question I posed here...His response was:
"I don't think you actually hand your pain and grief over to God, but to put your faith in him that he will guide you through it. We as humans do not and can not comprehend how God works and why things happen. One day it will make sense to us and we will get it but not when we are here on earth. We just need to trust God to be there when we need him the most."
I guess I'm in a hurry to understand the "Why" aspect of why horrible things happen to good people.
I miss my brother, the pain is still very raw for me. I would give anything to have just one more day with him, to hear him speak, to touch his face and to tell him what a great Big Brother he is and to tell him how much I love him.
As soon as I can afford those 2 books I will get them, they seem to have helped you all a lot.
Thank you all.
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Post by Goddess on Nov 15, 2008 15:50:47 GMT -5
On Death and Dying is headed your way, Summer. It's not a new one, but the message is the same.
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Post by Summer on Nov 15, 2008 17:56:58 GMT -5
On Death and Dying is headed your way, Summer. It's not a new one, but the message is the same. Goddess Thank you, I don't know what to say.
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Post by Goddess on Nov 15, 2008 18:06:16 GMT -5
Thank you is fine, and you said it. Read it, and absorb what it has to say to you.
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Post by IncogNITO on Nov 15, 2008 20:21:08 GMT -5
Handing something over to god is easy letting him keep it is hard. That is what I have always been told and find it true. you just have to keep doing it daily or hourly or even minutely when needed.
What it comes down to is control and faith. We want to control everything and we can't. We have very little power in the grand scheme of things. If you have no control over it why make it our responsibility? That is where faith comes in and where believing in God is the key. If your heart belongs to God then this need to control what you can't goes away because you can have a clear idea of what you can control and do it. For me death was the big ticket item it paralyzed me because I could not give those persons up, like I truly had the choice. They were gone from my life regardless of what I wanted. Like Barb said I had to find a place where my connection with God was less disturbed. Once I was tired and frustrated enough to call out God I can't deal anymore take this from me make me and believed in him enough to allow him to take control of my life, he did just that. Because when God has control of your life and you have the faith he isn't going to lead you down the wrong path. You have no problem giving up what you can not control you see what you can control and do those things with joy because they just add to what God has already done making the picture even brighter then it already is.Do I have that faith every day every hour no and I wish I could. You see in giving us independence he gave us the right to take it all back. Most of the time I do good and can tell the difference between what I can control and what I can't. There are times I simply refuse to see that line and those times when I am most stressed and most upset. When that happens I go to my place and I yell and I yell and I let God know how I feel and let all the anger and frustration out till there is nothing left but him. Cause no matter how much you pile on top of yourself he stays and can't be dislodged he is yours as much as you are his. As any good father will do he will let his child burn off the energy needed so he can be heard. We can not control death or illness but we can control comfort. That power to provide comfort on physical or mental levels is very powerful and beautiful. We don't use that power enough. We hardly ever apply it to ourselves as we should. The idea we should suffer because another does is lame. We do not help that person as much as we think we do when we are thinking this way. If we are being as good and kind to ourselves as we are those around us then there is not much room for doubt, worry or stress and what you do do is 100 times more powerful even if it is only delivering a flower to a hospital room or fluffing a pillow.
I know I did not answer your question as you would like and I can't Barb can't nor can anyone else. You see we each have our own way of opening our hearts to God and letting him take control of our path in life. But focus on what you can control and take no blame for what you can't is a good starting point. For me sometimes it is taking a pen and piece of paper and reminding myself in writing what those things are. I could not control my dad's illness but I could come home and love him and love him I did and for a week everything was beautiful. Then after dad was gone I took it back and if I had not gone to Africa and if I had been there more and if this and if that. All those why's and if's were answered in God gave me a life and that means I can't always be with those I love and if I were it doesn't mean the natural order of life and death is going to change. I can't control those things but I can control events like celebration and comfort and when I do limit myself to those things I can control and let God deal with the big stuff then I find life isn't as hard as I think it is.
JMayo
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Post by Barb on Nov 15, 2008 22:02:37 GMT -5
I did shout at God really loud in my car one day and then found myself sneaking glances around to make sure no one in the next lane heard me!
I HATE looking at power lines now. I was walking Molly and I saw these power lines in a field near my house and I couldn't stop staring at them. How one little touch of one of them and he was gone....
It still seems so unbelievable...
John, I want you to know something. There are many times that I read what you say and I don't reply or I just say "thanks" and those are the times your words affected me the most. To say "I want to get to where you are" or that I'm trying to get to where you are, or to gush over what you say seems trite to me. When I say a simple "thanks, John"....what you have said is something that I WANT to bring into my heart and use, and I need time to think about it and absorb it.
Thanks, John.
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Post by Summer on Nov 15, 2008 22:23:02 GMT -5
Thanks John...I know no one can answer that question for me, reading and absorbing to what everyone has written has given me a starting point and for that I thank you all.
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