Post by Barb on Aug 18, 2009 9:18:43 GMT -5
I find it easier to forgive people who have hurt me, than those who have hurt my sons or tried to hurt them. I think several people are assuming I am talking about Diesel. He fits the bill, so I can include him, but I'm thinking of my ex husband. I have such mixed feelings about him. I loved him once, but I'm not sure why now. When Brian died, he owed his dad money. His dad had cosigned for his car and the car got totalled and the payoff was not as much as the loan. There was a gap of two or three thousand, I'm not sure how much exactly. My ex had to pay the difference because Brian didn't have it at the time. He wouldn't speak to Brian. And Brian wouldn't call him as he was uncomfortable for the money situation. I used to get upset with both of them. Bluntly told them both that I was sick of the struggle over who had the "bigger dick" and that it was just stupid to let money get in the way. This was not a distant relative, this was HIS DAD. Brian owed me money, owed my sister money.....there is no way in hell that would turn us against him. A couple months before Brian died, I asked his dad what he would do if something happened to him. Was basically told to mind my own business...but my son's feelings and hurts ARE my business. Brian wanted to pay his dad back. Desperately wanted to....that's one of the reasons he took the tree trimming job. (AND he liked it). He called me one night and was nearly in tears saying he wanted to fix this so he could have half his family back. I didn't tell my ex that....as angry as I am at him...I know that he hurts over all of it and I can't twist the screw.....
However, what bothers me the most and led to my question is that Steven, my oldest, is struggling a lot with the loss of his brother. You would think my ex would have learned from losing Brian, but no...it's the same shit. He doesn't call Steve until I make a call to him bitching and/or crying. I know him very well. Right now he is coping with his guilt and his loss by focusing on his job or working on his house.....whatever...I could give a flying fuck what his excuse is...he has a son who needs some attention from him right now.
He has never been that good of a father, but he needs to learn real fast.
He hurt Brian. He hurt Brian and then Brian died. And now he is hurting Steven. I have a lot of trouble understanding how a parent can not be a parent...no matter the age of the children. And I'm very angry with him. I can forgive (and have) all the hurts he caused me, but not my sons. The only way I can truly forgive that is if he shows me that he learned from what happened with Brian and makes amends with Steven.
As far as the other person is concerned....no thanks. He's trash. I don't know what could possibly be a motivating factor, Root, nor do I care. There isn't any motivation in this world that could make me do that to someone. Even now, after all that happened, I could never do that to him if he were in the same situation.
Forgiveness doesn't come easy in situations like this Nito. You say to forgive, but not forget. However, every time I think of what both of these people are doing, it disgusts me.
Tom tells me I should quit trying to get my ex to be involved in Steve's life. He thinks he's just a "sperm donor" and by the way he has parented his sons, I have to agree. But as long as my son's feelings are involved, I can't stop trying.
I'm angry with him and also feel very sorry for him for this burden he now carries.
However, what bothers me the most and led to my question is that Steven, my oldest, is struggling a lot with the loss of his brother. You would think my ex would have learned from losing Brian, but no...it's the same shit. He doesn't call Steve until I make a call to him bitching and/or crying. I know him very well. Right now he is coping with his guilt and his loss by focusing on his job or working on his house.....whatever...I could give a flying fuck what his excuse is...he has a son who needs some attention from him right now.
He has never been that good of a father, but he needs to learn real fast.
He hurt Brian. He hurt Brian and then Brian died. And now he is hurting Steven. I have a lot of trouble understanding how a parent can not be a parent...no matter the age of the children. And I'm very angry with him. I can forgive (and have) all the hurts he caused me, but not my sons. The only way I can truly forgive that is if he shows me that he learned from what happened with Brian and makes amends with Steven.
As far as the other person is concerned....no thanks. He's trash. I don't know what could possibly be a motivating factor, Root, nor do I care. There isn't any motivation in this world that could make me do that to someone. Even now, after all that happened, I could never do that to him if he were in the same situation.
Forgiveness doesn't come easy in situations like this Nito. You say to forgive, but not forget. However, every time I think of what both of these people are doing, it disgusts me.
Tom tells me I should quit trying to get my ex to be involved in Steve's life. He thinks he's just a "sperm donor" and by the way he has parented his sons, I have to agree. But as long as my son's feelings are involved, I can't stop trying.
I'm angry with him and also feel very sorry for him for this burden he now carries.